On work and procrastination

I love myself when I don’t procrastinate, in those rare days that I have many things to do at work and do them all, I feel like super-me, juggling work, personal life and leisure all at once in an incredibly efficient way. And then I have normal days, when I come to work feeling like death, I turn on my computer and doing what’s right (and sometimes quite simple) seems extremely painful, but updating my facebook status or reading my emails and news are so effortless. And then life piles up and I feel I am swallowed by work, the more I have, the worse to start. I go home feeling like shit, knowing I could have done much better if only I had made this little initial effort. I call it trigger effort; it is like when you look down to a swimming pool and you know the pool is going to be cold so you don’t want to dive. But you know that once inside the water, you will feel amazing and after one minute the water will no longer feel cold to your skin.

Well it is like in most things in my life, even the things I enjoy. I could do so much more both pleasurable and work related stuff if I just actually did it. The worst part is that when I am not doing it, I don’t feel happy. It keeps bugging me in the back of my mind and last Friday I actually dreamed about the work I had left undone (nothing urgent, thankfully)

In so many things in life you don’t know how you are supposed to behave. This is so clear. Being efficient makes me happy and makes everybody else happier too. (My employer, my employees, my partner, my mum!)

So why don’t I do it? Why is this lethargic energy so strong? I keep disappointing myself. Maybe I should try to live by those twelve steps programs that people use for alcoholism. Maybe I should think: - I am just going to do this little thing, and after ten little things reward myself with a little treat like a small cup of coffee.